I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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