The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
