Dude my mom stole all your condoms
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
