My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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