I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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