i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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