I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
