Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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