I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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