A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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