Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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