i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
