Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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