I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
