Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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