he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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