I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
