I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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