I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
