Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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