I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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