My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
