my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
