I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
