highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
