the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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