My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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