Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
