I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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