ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
