today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
