Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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