I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
