drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
