remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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