A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
