Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
