she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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