i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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