I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
