I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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