The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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