I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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