tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
