nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
