I wannas sexs uuuuu
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
