Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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