im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
