i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize