Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
