I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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