The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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