he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
