I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
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The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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