why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
