I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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