Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
