yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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