I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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