I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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